Not much on this here blog except cakes lately, eh?
Only, there isn't very much in the way of news. Can't believe we made it through a whole year of parenthood. Crazy. I still don't feel 'old enough' to be someone's mom. Or have a mortgage, for that matter. And it's been over ten years since graduating from COLLEGE. How on earth did that happen?
Lately I've been feeling very introspective and have been spending quite a bit of time 'looking back' - wistfully, some real regrets here and there, lots of smiles and fond memories, warm fuzzies and all that. Some days the wish to turn back the clock and do it over (not much differently, but a few choices definitely could use some tweaking) is quite strong. Not sure where that is all coming from, honestly. Could be the fact that looking FORWARD is just too confusing.
Feeling I'm at a crossroads but not able to read any of the street signs, you know? That sounds a little melodramatic. Life is great for me - great husband, totally incredible kid, cute little house in suburbia (walking distance to the bakery! 2 coffee shops! Pizza place! Library!), cool dog.... And yet. And yet. Feels like something is missing. I'm sure it's got something to do with the job situation, but I never come up with anything new on that front.
I ended up taking the whole school year off (YAY!) to stay home with Sarah, and it was wonderful. Monday, however, I have to go back (BOO!). Not looking forward to it AT ALL. I'm grateful I got to witness Sarah's entire first year - and doubly grateful that she took her first steps the other night while I was playing with her (and not at daycare!!!). Sarah starts daycare after Labor Day - and I'm guessing it will be tougher on me than on her... I think she'll enjoy hanging with the other kids and being able to play in a huge, totally kid-proof environment. (I feel like I spend far too much time chasing her around the house saying "no, put that down," "No, you can't climb that," "what did you just put in your mouth?" and "that's Sherman's bone. Give it back to the doggie.")
Went back to the office for a few hours this week before the official 'first day of school' and just felt dead inside. Everyone was running around stressed out and crazy because of schedules, new computer programs that a)suck and b)did I say suck?, new enrollments, construction madness.... And I came in, did some stuff, and left. Just couldn't muster the energy to care. Ran into a few students and it was nice to see them, but that's it. I didn't *miss* anyone while I was home with Sarah. Not by a long shot. Didn't give the office one thought and suffered not a bit of guilt over it. Didn't check my email (I deleted 1500 of them this week without reading them.) Didn't bother checking my voice mail, either. I know I need a real attitude adjustment and fast, because I'll end up in heaps of trouble otherwise. So, that's that for now. I'm always going in circles on this one, I'm starting to bore even myself.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Miracles
So... I made this for Warren to mark the second anniversary of his brain aneurysm. That he survived is a miracle. That he made a complete recovery with no discernable brain damage is even MORE of a miracle (is there such a thing?).
Below is the email I sent out to let people know what had happened. I don't wish the experience of wondering if your best friend is going to make it through the night on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.
*****
Well, I hate mass emails but i just felt the need to reach out to folks that I haven't talked to in a while.... some of you may already have heard this already, some of you are hearing it for the first time.
Yesterday, Tuesday, warren came back from a run and basically told me he had to go to the emergency room. He had unbearable pain in his head. We went to the emergency room, had a CAT scan and then blah blah blah... basically he had something called a subarachnoid hemorrhage (not sure if I'm spelling that right) - a ruptured aneurysm (again, forgive me for not spellchecking) in his brain.
This is bad. Really really bad. HOWEVER, he was in a doctor's care within an hour of the rupture, he is in otherwise excellent health (yay, running), and he's strong. These are all excellent and definitely in his favor. He had surgery this morning - his neurosurgeon is a runner, which for some odd reason is very comforting to all of us - we've already snagged the man with the magic hands some new running shoes....
anyway, the surgery went as well as we could have hoped, and now we have to wait a few days or so for something called vasospasm - basically, stroke. It's more likely than not that he will have vasospasm, but they are doing everything they can to prevent/minimize them.
When he's not sleeping, he's completely lucid (a little groggy from the meds), knows exactly what is going on, is cracking jokes with the nurses, giving me messages to send to his office to 'take care of business', etc.
What caused it? He was probably born with the weakness. The docs say it was going to happen, nothing would have prevented it. I'm just glad he was close to home and not in Utah (where he was last week) or Spain (where he was a few months ago) or running some trail in the middle of the night in Oregon (which was where he planned to be next week...)
So, I'm just sharing because you all a)would want to know and b) we could use your prayers and thoughts.
Warren's parents are here, as are mine. My friend Katie is bossing me around and generally taking care of just about everything.
It's been therapeutic for me to just type this and hit "send."
Thanks for understanding. I'm not really all that accessible. If you email me, try to email me at xxxxx. I'll keep you posted. Thanks in advance for your prayers and support.
*****
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
School starts in two weeks.
Generally, the 'back to school' blues hits every year and is to be expected. I mean, who really relishes going back to work after 7 weeks off? Try facing the prospect of going back after having fifty-two weeks off. And having spent those 52 weeks at home with a very cool, very funny, very challenging little person who changes every day? *sigh*
I'm extremely fortunate to have had this year, I consider it an amazing gift and I think about that every day. Even on the days that aren't so great. But there's this growing knot of dread and ....deadness inside that won't quiet down. I suppose it points to the fact that I really never figured out "what I'm supposed to be when I grow up." I know, not many people ever do... but I just can't seem to find something that will keep me engaged, happy, involved, interested, etc. for very long.
I've been navel-gazing for quite some time, trying to figure it out, and I'm afraid that I'm realizing some not-so-admirable things about myself. I mean, I guess I don't mind working hard on things that truly interest me. Like - baking, playing around with fun online things like mixbook, and Flickr. But these are merely escapist time-wasters. Surely they aren't meant to be important. Like a job.
Ok, so maybe a job doesn't have to be important. I mean, I know it doesn't. Letting go of that whole "I need a career" thing has been easy on the one hand, yet difficult on the other. I just don't get any satisfaction out of saying "I'm a high school guidance counselor." When it comes down to it, that matters to me. I once thought that once I 'allowed' myself to 'just have a job, not a career' I could just clock in and clock out and it wouldn't bother me, life would be simple, and my 'free time' could be spent doing the things I like. And yet.
Doesn't matter if it's "just a job." If you spend most of your waking hours at your "career" or "just a job" then you better damn well make sure it's something you can hold your head up and smile about, because otherwise, the days are long and miserable and nothing seems worth it. I used to have a job where the money was great and the job was mindless. It was ok for a while, but then I found myself half-wishing I'd get hit by a taxi on the way to work so I wouldn't have to go there. Half-wishing is kind of strong. Quarter-wishing. But not REALLY get hurt. You know, just something that would give me a real good excuse to not show up for a little while but have no lasting damage and maybe a cool story to tell.
That told me I needed to find something else.
And now I find myself wishing for snow days. In September. And freak construction accidents that don't hurt anyone, of course, but cause the school to close (like that one time a squirrel fried itself in the electrical system and we had no power so they sent everyone home. Poor little squirrel. But - we got to leave!) So, I suppose it's that time again.
This seems to be a pattern - about every 3ish years I get that itch. Needing something new. Last time, newly married, I quit my job (thanks for adding me to your benefits, honey!) and went back to school, think that a master's degree and a career change would fix everything. It worked... for a year.
NOW WHAT?!
Time for pros and cons:
Pros:
Defined end and start of workday
Summers off
Snowdays
Supposedly a great pension - (if it's still there and I stick around for 30 years to collect it, see cons!)
workday hours will coincide perfectly with daughter's school day, eventually.
benefits (health insurance, prescription plan) are admittedly excellent.
Cons:
can't take a vacation during the school year (thus can't take advantage of cheap travel deals)
soul-sucking "clients"
everything about public education
soul-sucking politics
being at work at 7 am with a 45 minute commute
have to stick around 30 years to get said pension
Note that 'helping kids and families' didn't make it to the 'pros' list. Telling, isn't it? My first reaction is that we don't really help - we enable, we 'fix' things that kids messed up because they were lazy, didn't pay attention, or were irresponsible. I guess the kids we really do help aren't going to come back and say 'thanks' - but I doubt it would change the way I feel if they did. Oof. That sounds awfully bitter and burned out. (burnt?) And you know what, even if I really was helping in a meaningful way? I don't think I'd like my job any better. Well, maybe a little. But not much.
Another realization about myself (remember I said somewhere above that I had realized things in the plural?) is that I just might be too selfish to care enough about helping others. Oh, my, that makes me sound nasty. And not in the Janet Jackson sense. I don't like admitting it, but I think deep down inside I may not be a very nice person. Or am I just really in touch with my basic survival instinct? Sure, blame it on nature. I just don't feel like I have 'enough' left over to give, honestly.
I'm not so naive to think that not wanting to be a good guidance counselor means I'm a bad person, but....I'm embarrassed that I don't have the 'want to save all the troubled kids' mentality that seems to drive my colleagues (even though the reality is you can't possibly save them all.) Or the good ones, at any rate. And I'm getting to it - being a guidance counselor makes me feel GUILTY. Guilty that I'm not doing a better job. That maybeI COULD do a better job if I cared more. Now don't get me wrong - I think I do a decent job. My students seem to like me, my administrators give me good (even better than good) reviews. My coworkers like me (or at least they did until I told them I was taking the rest of the school year off, 3 weeks before I was supposed to come back and then they didn't have a sub for me for over a month... or more).
And I haven't even touched the issue of sending my daughter to daycare so I can collect a paycheck doing something that doesn't satisfy me.
Why do I feel so entitled to be satisfied? Where did that come from? No one really ever promised me satisfaction, did they? Are my expectations too high? WHY CAN'T I FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!?!
Generally, the 'back to school' blues hits every year and is to be expected. I mean, who really relishes going back to work after 7 weeks off? Try facing the prospect of going back after having fifty-two weeks off. And having spent those 52 weeks at home with a very cool, very funny, very challenging little person who changes every day? *sigh*
I'm extremely fortunate to have had this year, I consider it an amazing gift and I think about that every day. Even on the days that aren't so great. But there's this growing knot of dread and ....deadness inside that won't quiet down. I suppose it points to the fact that I really never figured out "what I'm supposed to be when I grow up." I know, not many people ever do... but I just can't seem to find something that will keep me engaged, happy, involved, interested, etc. for very long.
I've been navel-gazing for quite some time, trying to figure it out, and I'm afraid that I'm realizing some not-so-admirable things about myself. I mean, I guess I don't mind working hard on things that truly interest me. Like - baking, playing around with fun online things like mixbook, and Flickr. But these are merely escapist time-wasters. Surely they aren't meant to be important. Like a job.
Ok, so maybe a job doesn't have to be important. I mean, I know it doesn't. Letting go of that whole "I need a career" thing has been easy on the one hand, yet difficult on the other. I just don't get any satisfaction out of saying "I'm a high school guidance counselor." When it comes down to it, that matters to me. I once thought that once I 'allowed' myself to 'just have a job, not a career' I could just clock in and clock out and it wouldn't bother me, life would be simple, and my 'free time' could be spent doing the things I like. And yet.
Doesn't matter if it's "just a job." If you spend most of your waking hours at your "career" or "just a job" then you better damn well make sure it's something you can hold your head up and smile about, because otherwise, the days are long and miserable and nothing seems worth it. I used to have a job where the money was great and the job was mindless. It was ok for a while, but then I found myself half-wishing I'd get hit by a taxi on the way to work so I wouldn't have to go there. Half-wishing is kind of strong. Quarter-wishing. But not REALLY get hurt. You know, just something that would give me a real good excuse to not show up for a little while but have no lasting damage and maybe a cool story to tell.
That told me I needed to find something else.
And now I find myself wishing for snow days. In September. And freak construction accidents that don't hurt anyone, of course, but cause the school to close (like that one time a squirrel fried itself in the electrical system and we had no power so they sent everyone home. Poor little squirrel. But - we got to leave!) So, I suppose it's that time again.
This seems to be a pattern - about every 3ish years I get that itch. Needing something new. Last time, newly married, I quit my job (thanks for adding me to your benefits, honey!) and went back to school, think that a master's degree and a career change would fix everything. It worked... for a year.
NOW WHAT?!
Time for pros and cons:
Pros:
Defined end and start of workday
Summers off
Snowdays
Supposedly a great pension - (if it's still there and I stick around for 30 years to collect it, see cons!)
workday hours will coincide perfectly with daughter's school day, eventually.
benefits (health insurance, prescription plan) are admittedly excellent.
Cons:
can't take a vacation during the school year (thus can't take advantage of cheap travel deals)
soul-sucking "clients"
everything about public education
soul-sucking politics
being at work at 7 am with a 45 minute commute
have to stick around 30 years to get said pension
Note that 'helping kids and families' didn't make it to the 'pros' list. Telling, isn't it? My first reaction is that we don't really help - we enable, we 'fix' things that kids messed up because they were lazy, didn't pay attention, or were irresponsible. I guess the kids we really do help aren't going to come back and say 'thanks' - but I doubt it would change the way I feel if they did. Oof. That sounds awfully bitter and burned out. (burnt?) And you know what, even if I really was helping in a meaningful way? I don't think I'd like my job any better. Well, maybe a little. But not much.
Another realization about myself (remember I said somewhere above that I had realized things in the plural?) is that I just might be too selfish to care enough about helping others. Oh, my, that makes me sound nasty. And not in the Janet Jackson sense. I don't like admitting it, but I think deep down inside I may not be a very nice person. Or am I just really in touch with my basic survival instinct? Sure, blame it on nature. I just don't feel like I have 'enough' left over to give, honestly.
I'm not so naive to think that not wanting to be a good guidance counselor means I'm a bad person, but....I'm embarrassed that I don't have the 'want to save all the troubled kids' mentality that seems to drive my colleagues (even though the reality is you can't possibly save them all.) Or the good ones, at any rate. And I'm getting to it - being a guidance counselor makes me feel GUILTY. Guilty that I'm not doing a better job. That maybeI COULD do a better job if I cared more. Now don't get me wrong - I think I do a decent job. My students seem to like me, my administrators give me good (even better than good) reviews. My coworkers like me (or at least they did until I told them I was taking the rest of the school year off, 3 weeks before I was supposed to come back and then they didn't have a sub for me for over a month... or more).
And I haven't even touched the issue of sending my daughter to daycare so I can collect a paycheck doing something that doesn't satisfy me.
Why do I feel so entitled to be satisfied? Where did that come from? No one really ever promised me satisfaction, did they? Are my expectations too high? WHY CAN'T I FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!?!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I did it!
My final cake for course one. It was supposed to have twice as many roses on the top, but I was having such a hard time making them that my instructor took pity on me and suggested spacing them out and filling the gaps with petal-y looking sweet peas. AND he made half the roses trying to show me how to do it. I could have chosen a different design for my final, but I chose this one because I *knew* I needed to practice the damn rose. Ugh! Still, white on white was a very forgiving color scheme and most people I showed this to in person insisted that all the roses were beautiful. But perhaps they were just being polite.
I also rushed the shell border because people were cleaning up and I had just started it. And I don't like the vertical stripes.
Always more room for improvement!
I also rushed the shell border because people were cleaning up and I had just started it. And I don't like the vertical stripes.
Always more room for improvement!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)