School starts in two weeks.

Generally, the 'back to school' blues hits every year and is to be expected. I mean, who really relishes going back to work after 7 weeks off? Try facing the prospect of going back after having fifty-two weeks off. And having spent those 52 weeks at home with a very cool, very funny, very challenging little person who changes every day? *sigh*

I'm extremely fortunate to have had this year, I consider it an amazing gift and I think about that every day. Even on the days that aren't so great. But there's this growing knot of dread and ....deadness inside that won't quiet down. I suppose it points to the fact that I really never figured out "what I'm supposed to be when I grow up." I know, not many people ever do... but I just can't seem to find something that will keep me engaged, happy, involved, interested, etc. for very long.

I've been navel-gazing for quite some time, trying to figure it out, and I'm afraid that I'm realizing some not-so-admirable things about myself. I mean, I guess I don't mind working hard on things that truly interest me. Like - baking, playing around with fun online things like mixbook, and Flickr. But these are merely escapist time-wasters. Surely they aren't meant to be important. Like a job.

Ok, so maybe a job doesn't have to be important. I mean, I know it doesn't. Letting go of that whole "I need a career" thing has been easy on the one hand, yet difficult on the other. I just don't get any satisfaction out of saying "I'm a high school guidance counselor." When it comes down to it, that matters to me. I once thought that once I 'allowed' myself to 'just have a job, not a career' I could just clock in and clock out and it wouldn't bother me, life would be simple, and my 'free time' could be spent doing the things I like. And yet.

Doesn't matter if it's "just a job." If you spend most of your waking hours at your "career" or "just a job" then you better damn well make sure it's something you can hold your head up and smile about, because otherwise, the days are long and miserable and nothing seems worth it. I used to have a job where the money was great and the job was mindless. It was ok for a while, but then I found myself half-wishing I'd get hit by a taxi on the way to work so I wouldn't have to go there. Half-wishing is kind of strong. Quarter-wishing. But not REALLY get hurt. You know, just something that would give me a real good excuse to not show up for a little while but have no lasting damage and maybe a cool story to tell.

That told me I needed to find something else.

And now I find myself wishing for snow days. In September. And freak construction accidents that don't hurt anyone, of course, but cause the school to close (like that one time a squirrel fried itself in the electrical system and we had no power so they sent everyone home. Poor little squirrel. But - we got to leave!) So, I suppose it's that time again.

This seems to be a pattern - about every 3ish years I get that itch. Needing something new. Last time, newly married, I quit my job (thanks for adding me to your benefits, honey!) and went back to school, think that a master's degree and a career change would fix everything. It worked... for a year.

NOW WHAT?!

Time for pros and cons:

Pros:

Defined end and start of workday

Summers off

Snowdays

Supposedly a great pension - (if it's still there and I stick around for 30 years to collect it, see cons!)

workday hours will coincide perfectly with daughter's school day, eventually.

benefits (health insurance, prescription plan) are admittedly excellent.


Cons:

can't take a vacation during the school year (thus can't take advantage of cheap travel deals)

soul-sucking "clients"

everything about public education

soul-sucking politics

being at work at 7 am with a 45 minute commute

have to stick around 30 years to get said pension


Note that 'helping kids and families' didn't make it to the 'pros' list. Telling, isn't it? My first reaction is that we don't really help - we enable, we 'fix' things that kids messed up because they were lazy, didn't pay attention, or were irresponsible. I guess the kids we really do help aren't going to come back and say 'thanks' - but I doubt it would change the way I feel if they did. Oof. That sounds awfully bitter and burned out. (burnt?) And you know what, even if I really was helping in a meaningful way? I don't think I'd like my job any better. Well, maybe a little. But not much.


Another realization about myself (remember I said somewhere above that I had realized things in the plural?) is that I just might be too selfish to care enough about helping others. Oh, my, that makes me sound nasty. And not in the Janet Jackson sense. I don't like admitting it, but I think deep down inside I may not be a very nice person. Or am I just really in touch with my basic survival instinct? Sure, blame it on nature. I just don't feel like I have 'enough' left over to give, honestly.

I'm not so naive to think that not wanting to be a good guidance counselor means I'm a bad person, but....I'm embarrassed that I don't have the 'want to save all the troubled kids' mentality that seems to drive my colleagues (even though the reality is you can't possibly save them all.) Or the good ones, at any rate. And I'm getting to it - being a guidance counselor makes me feel GUILTY. Guilty that I'm not doing a better job. That maybeI COULD do a better job if I cared more. Now don't get me wrong - I think I do a decent job. My students seem to like me, my administrators give me good (even better than good) reviews. My coworkers like me (or at least they did until I told them I was taking the rest of the school year off, 3 weeks before I was supposed to come back and then they didn't have a sub for me for over a month... or more).

And I haven't even touched the issue of sending my daughter to daycare so I can collect a paycheck doing something that doesn't satisfy me.

Why do I feel so entitled to be satisfied? Where did that come from? No one really ever promised me satisfaction, did they? Are my expectations too high? WHY CAN'T I FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!?!